Garage-light Robbery

A sudden BANG! and puff of smoke emerged from a garage in a quiet suburban neighbourhood. The explosion was louder and more violent than the robber had initially expected. His neighbours definitely would have heard that. They would be knocking on his door soon, needlessly demanding to know what he was up to. It was no easy task being a criminal in suburbia. The problem with the suburbs, is that people are so bored with their own miserable lives that they insist on poking their beaks into the business of others. They churn the rumour mill, always wanting to what everyone else was up to, because they have no goings on of their own. Sad.

That being said, the robber’s business was interesting. He had stolen a safe and was now able to open it. It was like being a child on Christmas day and a master criminal at the same time. If that isn’t the dream, then what is? Perhaps he should start to do YouTube videos, where he unboxes his latest bit of booty. Maybe the life of crime was a thing of the past and he was going to be an online influencer in the future. The robber had a chuckle to himself; he would have to improve his teeth and lose his personality to become a proper influencer. Nope, a life of ripping off rich people for their money, that was his one true purpose. Anyway, the time had come to have a look inside the safe. His explosives had successfully removed the safe door and the smoke was starting to clear out of the now-opened garage. Was this the moment that finally made him a wealthy man?

No. No it was not. The safe was not filled with cash like he’d been promised. It was not weighed down with gold or expensive jewellery. No, there was nothing like that. As he looked inside, three items looked back at him. A snorkel, a double magnum of the cheapest champagne that money can buy and a large mixing bowl. What in god’s name was this? What sort of weird person keeps this in their safe? What sort of secret activity can you get up to with these items? He barely had time to consider these questions before a yappy voice pierced his inner monologue.

“What was that noise? What are you looking at? Why is it so smoky out here?” These questions were indicative of an annoying nosey neighbour and sure enough, the robber turned around to see 104-year-old Mrs Mackerel looming over him.

“Oh. Hello Mrs Mackerel. Well, this whole situation is very easy to explain!” the robber replied.

It was not easy to explain. How does one justify sitting on the floor in your garage in a cloud of smoke, staring a safe containing champagne, a bowl and a snorkel? In general, the robber was a quick thinker but this one had him stumped.

“The simple explanation is… I am playing a party game. Yes, that’s it. I am playing a party game.” Obviously, this was a pathetic and obviously untrue justification by the robber and Mrs Mackerel was no fool.

“I am no fool” said Mrs Mackerel. Told you. “If you are playing a party game then why are you sat in your underwear in your own garage? Where are all your fellow partiers? Why is there military grade C4 on the floor? And what sort of party game involves those ridiculous props you have in that safe?”
Those were all very fair questions.

“Those are all very fair questions” replied the robber. “The C4 is fake, it’s a prop for a fancy-dress party, I’m going as a robber! That’s what the empty safe is for and that’s why I am dressed like this. The party hasn’t started yet and I am just practicing the game, I am trying to get accustomed to it, so I don’t embarrass myself when I get there.”

“Ah that’s wonderful, I must try and help you. Explain this game to me” Mrs Mackerel came and squatted next to the robber with the agility of a woman forty years younger than herself.

“Right. Okay. No problem.” The robber was stalling, to give himself time so he could make up the rules to this imaginary game. It had to be convincing or he could go to jail. He reached into his pocket and found a coin. “What you have to do, is this. I fill the bowl with booze and drop the coin in. We then take it in turns to dip our faces into the bowl, whilst wearing the snorkel and try to pick up the coin with our mouths. Every time one of us fails, we have to take a big swig of the champagne. First person to fall over drunk loses.”

Mrs Mackerel was delighted to play and insisted on watching the robber have the first go. So, he popped the cork out of the champagne, filled the bowl and placed the snorkel in his mouth. He then dropped the coin in and submerged his face. Whilst he was initially proud of the new game that he created, he very quickly realised a huge problem. It was impossible to pick up the coin with the snorkel in your mouth. The game did not work. It was too late now, he had to keep up the charade.

After he had finished his first unsuccessful turn, Mrs Mackerel had a go. She was unsuccessful as well. Luckily, she did not possess the intellect to realise that the game was actually impossible, so they kept on playing. This continued until the double magnum of champagne was finished. In that time, they got drunk, chatted, laughed and ultimately fell deeply in love. From an explosion in a garage to wholehearted love within the space of one evening. Perhaps this was the purpose of those seemingly random items in the safe all along.

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Written and Published by Govinda Chaddha